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Friday, February 4th, 2011
9:01 am - Dermatillomania Documentary! (and I need your help)

After working on my dermatillomania (compulsive skin picking) documentary for over a year and a half, the trailer is out! Please share this in other online communities you are involved in, and to anyone. I want this video to go viral for the people who need to see it. Thank you!

My facebook page is: http://www.facebook.com/pages/FOREVER-MARKED-A-Dermatillomania-Diary-by-Nova-Scotian-author-A-Hartlin/177738602694

current mood: accomplished

[ feel something...anything ]

Wednesday, September 17th, 2008
5:07 pm - my day in jail and story to tell


How did I get here
It hurts me to tell
Covered in tears
And in a jail cell
My anger went wild
Aggression took over
I acted like a drunk
But was totally sober
My mother’s tears grew
As they cuffed my hands tight
Knowing I’d be locked up
In jail for the night
Too strong to give in
To my immature ways
She said no to bail
Go to court the next day
Having the worse
Thoughts in my mind
Hearing the cop say
You’re in for a long time
I slept in my cell
On a bench three feet long
I lied there restless
With the thought of all I did wrong
Then my sleep aids kicked in
And I fell into slumber
Gave into the fear
Of the roof I slept under
Then the next day I awoke
To do things I rather withhold
Then they brought me somewhere nicer
But much more cold
I got a new cell and an actual bed
Got put on suicide watch
What’s the point I feel dead
I fell asleep quickly
But awoke just as fast
“Ms get all ready”
It’s court at last
I get cuffed and shackled
And locked in a room
With a girl on heroin
Pleading NOT GUILTY too
So I entered the court and gave out my plea
Said I’m not guilty
And got released
So just one day of jail
That will stick in my head
I hope you now can take in
These things I have said

[ feel something...anything ]

Sunday, July 8th, 2007
3:26 pm - New plea

New plea.

Dear all,

Firstly, I would like to thank you all for the fantastic support you have offered after my last post asking for photographic models. I received messages from people offering support, willing to have their photo taken or those wishing to fill in a questionnaire. I couldn’t have expected a better response and I hope I come across as genuine when I explain how grateful I am. That gratitude is also extended to all the moderators who kindly left my posts up for people to read. Thank you.
Your support on my last project has inspired me to push my creativity further and extend the self-harm project that I began over two years ago.
This time I am hoping other people might be willing to get involved as I am opening the 'requirements' up to include many more heath issues.
Although I have not yet written my Artist statement, I am hoping to make the most of my 4/5-month holiday by getting a head start on next term’s project.
The project I worked on for my first year of my BA(Hons) Photography, at Anglia Ruskin University, was surrounding the subject Self Injury/Harm. My initial plan was to put together a book of shots of young men and women who use self-harm. I had always planned to put these, headless, images in a book. However after much deliberation I decided to hand in a miniature version of the images, kept in a box for presentation and to save the book idea for my second year.
I now have another 8 or 9 months to put together a comprehensive collection of images that not only cover the issue of self harm, but also bring in other issues that may trigger self harm or are produced as a secondary to self harm (although I realize this is very different for everyone). I intend to create images that contain men and women, of all ages, colour or sexuality, who have had or who currently are experiencing issues with, self harm, anorexia/bulimia/EDNOS, depression, binge eating, disassociation, sexual abuse/rape survivors, participation in S&M, transgender/ transexuality, scaring from incidence etc. Essentially I am hoping to capture many aspects of mental health with a specific look at how mental health affects you physically and how you feel about your body.
As part of this work, I would like to follow 3 or 4 people through treatment. This could be in-patient or out patient, mental health related treatment or physical health. For ease, it would be great if the participating people lived near Cambridge or around the south of the country, however, I would be willing to travel if needed.
The idea of lots of people modeling once, representing their own lives and stories, means I can share very small insights into a mind set or situations. However, by having the chance to follow 3 or 4 (or more if possible) people through one part of their lives, documenting the details of their stories, I have the opportunity to show people a much deeper look into life with impairments.
I hope that the work is tasteful, that it never glorifies SI or any other issues that may be raised, yet at the same time offer people who don’t understand a chance to see how it affects people. That is where your help comes in!
I may be able to explain my own relationship with self-harm and mental/physical health, I may even be able to give statistics, but unless many people get to share their stories.. We can’t expect people to just get it.
Just like last time, I am looking for people from anywhere in the UK, 
any age (as long as your over 16 with parental consent or over 18), and either sex. I would be willing to help out with travel costs to my home and you would be more than welcome to stay at my house with a friend of yours.
This time the compassion of the images will be slightly different, but you will always have the last word on what you are happy to do.
The models I have used so far are my close friends, people who I love and would always want to protect, as well as the wonderful people who nominated them selves. I would never exploit anyone and I will include text in the book that describes just how grateful I am for the models co-operation. All models will need to sign a model release form.
I am telling you all about the book and my hopes for the future as I would like to ask if anyone would want to take part? I want to show all aspects of self-harm and mental health issues, not just scars or tears or meds. There is so much more to it. The smiles you have to put on for those around you, the depression you feel, the guilt, the eating distress, the arguments with loved ones, I want to try and communicate that too.
I am hoping to get moving as soon as possible, so if you have some free time over the summer and fancy a trip to Cambridge, please e-mail and we can work something out!
Feel free to contact me, Indigo.Clouds.Imagery[@]Gmail[.]com

[ feel something...anything ]

Saturday, April 21st, 2007
9:51 pm - Bending till you break


[ feel something...anything ]

5:10 pm - Self harm image book.

Hey, my name is Jo. I am 24 and I live in Cambridge UK

I'm doing a fine arts degree, BA(Hons) Photography, at Anglia Ruskin University. I'm in my first year but I have worked as a photographer previously.

For my major project this year I am studying self harm. Its something I have worked with before and personal experience of.

I hope that the work is tasteful, that it never glorifies SI, yet at the same time offers people who dont understand it a chance to see how it affects people.

I decided that I didnt simply want the photos up on a wall as they were too private. So I am putting together a book. It wont be published, I will only make a handful of copys. It will be A4/5 size and each page will have 2 or 3 images on. Along with that will be a very small amount of text that's either commentory from me, statistics or quotes taken from the small questionair I have asked my models to fill in.

The models I have used so far are my close friends, people who I love and would always want to protect. I would never exploit anyone and I will include text in the book that describes just how greatful I am for the models co-operation.

I am telling you all about the book as I would like to ask if anyone would like to take part? I want to show all aspects of self harm, not just scars or tears. There is so much more to it. The smiles you have to put on for thoes arond you, the depression you feel, the guilt, the eating distress, the arguments with loved ones, I want to try and communicate that too.

I wonder how you might feel about helping me acheve that?

Models will need to be over 16 and have permission from parents if under 18. You will need to live in the UK and be avaliable for a photoshoot as soon as possiable. Models are not paid but I can help with traveling costs, offer you and a friend food/a bed for the night and you will have an opertunity to buy a copy of the book when finished if you would like.

I am needing people as quick as possiable as the project needs to finish in the next 4/5 weeks and some models backed out. That said, if you do offer, you will be under no pressure to do anything you are uncomfortable with. Even if that means you getting here and changing your mind. If you are interested I can show you some images I already have to see what you think. Feel free to pass this on to friends you think may be interested.

I hope this post isnt inapropreate, feel free to remove it. x-posted to other self harm communities.

You can leave messages here or you can e mail me at GumChewingFreak[@]Gmail[.]com

Thank you for reading, have a safe day xx xx

[ feel something...anything ]

Sunday, January 14th, 2007
8:38 am - Poem, beware could trigger

9/4/99 Cutting again

Panic’s building,
Solitude scares,
So jumpy and frightened,
And nobody cares

Want to reach out,
Never can do,
My friends say ‘call me’,
But I’m so scared to.

Scared of rejection,
Or they’ll freak out and run,
Night times the worst,
When there’s no solace in the sun.

So I reach for my razor,
And the blade makes me bleed,
And out pours the tension,
And with pain, I’m freed.

Now for a little while,
I’ll feel almost alive,
Though I hope to find another way,
And instead of just survive,
I’ll learn to do better,
I have to learn how to thrive.


By Scorpio

Its under control now, but doing crappy and was reading your group and thought you might like this.

current mood: crappy

[ feel something...anything ]

Wednesday, July 12th, 2006
8:01 pm - Worse

Today’s Horoscope: Capricorn
”Things could be worse
Don’t take everything so seriously!”

Up-to-the-Minute News, World/US Census Report:

171,420 rapes reported to authorities each year:


469 raped each day
19 each hour
1 every 3.5 minutes.

Only 16% of all rapes reported to authorities:


12 million in a 20 year period.
12 million = 20% of the U.S population.

29% of all rapes occur under 11 years old.
32% of all rapes occur between 11 & 17 years old.

12 million,
61% under the age of 17

11 times the amount of people killed in the Vietnam War.
34 times the amount of people killed by AIDS each year.

& yet,
each has a face,
a name,
a family,
a favourite book,
a certain way of smiling.

Every 3.5 minutes

But then again;
Things could be worse.

[ 4 words to try and feel something...anything ]

Saturday, July 8th, 2006
9:09 pm - Swimming Lessons

In the summer of my eleventh year
I failed my swimming lessons.
What got me was floating.
You pretended to be dead
& then languidly,
after many long moments
Lift your head
Ever-so-slightly to take a breath of air.
On January 18th 1997,
I was raped.
by four friends I’d grown up with my whole life;
they burnt me with cigarettes
& afterwards asked my forgiveness;
said they couldn’t help it,
in my naivety
I forgave them.
The bottom dropped out from under
Everything I thought I knew to be true

Floating panicked me
Pretending to be dead made me feel dead
& my body was not about to cooperate with that.

After the rape, I felt like I was floating
through reality, nothing solid to cling to.
I developed an affliction for cutting myself
& eventually attempted suicide by
electrocuting myself in the bathtub with my CD player,
lulled by Jeff Buckley’s rendition of Hallelujah.
Already dead inside,
I could disappear at any moment,
like an assumption.

Every time I took the swimming test,
When it came to the floating,
A fierce part of me awoke
& forced me up
Gasping for air;
I feared myself,
How many selves did I contain &
When were they planning to lift their faces
Out of the deep end of my life,
demanding air,
demanding solid ground?

It was my therapist
that finally helped me deal
With my rape;
“Healing begins in parts”, she said.
“It stretches beyond yourself as you speak of what you have been through.
As you heal you will grow,
in searching for healing you will find yourself
in a way you will never have imagined”
& I thought,
maybe certainty & forever Is not the point
Why should I fear pain & the unknown?
Why should I let it paralyze me in my own life?

Down into the water, hanging there
Still amidst the currents
It has a particular rhythm,
This small, flesh-colored raft in a sea of human need.

But my soul lifts its face up from the depths
Calmly, remembering to stay limp,
be carried & steadily,
unfailingly to seek air
One breath
At a time

[ 1 word to try and feel something...anything ]

Thursday, July 6th, 2006
6:15 pm

Oh darling never forget,
The way it feels to cry yourself to sleep,
How nice for your pillow to be wet,
To dream and forget,
If only for a moment,
If only I'd forget.

The strength to end it all,
To slow down just a little,
The heart to stop your pain,
As my blood flows out,
Spits like crimson rain.

If only my head will stop screaming,
Just long enough to feel the tear,
You clutch it so tight in your hand,
But it feels as light as air.

If only for the strength to stop your tears,
If only I had a heart to kill,
I’d never leave you here all alone,
But I’m selfish cos I’m hiding from your will.

Oh darling I regret,
I want you by my side,
I need to know it’s gonna be alright.

Oh darling please don’t stop me,
I’m far too far to try,
When I go just so you know,
I meant to say goodbye,
I’ll follow you forever,
I’ll watch you while you sleep,
Although I won’t be here you know,
The promise that I’ll keep.

[ feel something...anything ]

Tuesday, April 18th, 2006
7:47 pm - a the child

i saw her in the appy, and she wanted me to write about her. so i did.Collapse )

[ feel something...anything ]

Sunday, March 19th, 2006
8:13 am

Hey all.

Just letting you know that I have created a new community devoted to writings of self harm.

Check it out if you are interested... the name is sanguine_words

[ 1 word to try and feel something...anything ]

Wednesday, March 15th, 2006
7:00 am - Lost Link

A while back, someone made a post to one of the SI communities I was in with a link to a place called "Secret Secret," or something of that nature.
The site hosted a board on which you posted anonymously.
I'm not sure which community, however.
Anyway, my computer attacked me, and I lost the link.
So if any of you have the address to said site, I would really appreciate it!

[ feel something...anything ]

Tuesday, March 14th, 2006
8:08 pm - Yay I worked out how to post....finally!

To the people I love

I see you with eyes streaming because of me.
I’ll watch you while you sleep,
Whisper in your ear.
Love you forever.

Your eyes are fixed on the death of tomorrow,
I have time to kill and I’m drowning in sorrow.
I have this knife in my hand that provides my release,
Everything you need to make a death complete.
Behind these dead eyes lie secrets untold.
My heart is silver but it should be gold.
The knife,
The poison that took my soul that keeps me from feeling anything.

Sudden death is gonna find you when you least expect it’s gonna leave you empty.
Make them thankful for every breath,
You’re an inch closer to death.
A scream that curdles the blood they found on me.
You shouldn’t have let me be my enemy,
Screaming from my knife, “I wanna make you bleed”
Take heed, I’m not joking,
Watch me break into chokeable pieces.

I’m begging you, stop loving me; it’s tearing my heart out, the one you succeeded in breaking all those times,
Makes me cry while I write these rhymes.
Like the pills in my hand I’ll never let you down you see,
I’ll always come crawling back to you, begging you don’t leave me please,
I was getting bored hurting myself;
Put my feelings on the shelf,
Let’s talk about you again,
All my hurt and all your pain,
If I get down enough will I reach hell?
I’m living in it, can’t you tell?
Put me down and out of my misery.

How badly do I want this? I really want this.
Save me one last kiss,
Fire this gun, hit or miss,
Were you planning on loving me forever?
I’m just scared I’ll never say goodbye.
Now I can’t look you in the eye,
You make me cry,
I want you to die,
When it all goes to hell can you say sorry with a straight face?
I’m such a waste of space,
Will it be a race?
I’m getting 1st place.

So slow down my heart,
Watch me die,
Watch the light fade from my eyes,
I’m begging you,
Please don’t cry,
Just listen for my dying breath,
As I complete the descent to death.

Lay me out with red roses,
Red as the blood on my hands,
Watch me grow cold,
Colder than you,
Have a heart.

current mood: depressed

[ feel something...anything ]

Tuesday, February 28th, 2006
1:37 am - Seven Stages Of Death

No banners waved, no music played,
No tear to shed, no one to stay,
No church bells heard, no procession led,
No last goodbyes, no final words.

No one who cares when you’re nineteen
And life is just one bad dream
No one can see, only twenty-one
Its cut to feel, and drugs to numb

Twenty-five with no real plans
Just highs and lies and one night stands
The pills don’t work, the blade feels dull
Now thirty-two with bloody hands

Half a lifetime spent alone
The rent is due, the room is cold
Fifty-nine years have passed
And nothings left but a story told

Sixty-six and no surprise
The heart is out, but you don’t mind
The body’s weak and broken now
He says theirs years, but then you die.

No preacher prays, No organ plays,
No last respects to be paid,
No church-bells heard, no stone to set,
No last goodbyes, no final words.

current mood: cynical

[ feel something...anything ]

Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006
8:03 pm - professional crastinator

New member. I tend to join comms, then just kinda mull around in them, never really posting. However, I plan to take advantage of this one. *nods*

Anyway, this first post consists of nothing real concrete, nothing of any value. It's just a bunch of few-liners and scraps.Collapse )

current mood: depressed

[ feel something...anything ]

11:42 am - deep within

so i wrote this. hope u like it, please dont steal it
"Deep Within"

If you look beyond my scars
Far, far away
You might just see the happy girl
Thats starting to fade away
If you look back to the past
And notice who i was
You'll notice that now who i am
Isn't really me
If you look beyond my smile
Beyond my fading face
If you look beyond the pain
You might just feel the same
If you look past my tears
And past the fallen blood
If you pass all of that
Then you will have fallen
If you fall where i have fell
Then you might notice too
This life i live is nothing
But a show i put on for you
If you look past my fake smile
Past my fake outside
Then you will see whats wrong
Deep deep inside
If you do down deep enough
You might get to my heart
If you see the crack in it
You'll know what fell apart
If you travel through my blood
And look up at my skin
You might just see the scars
That show up deep within
If you look beyond the scars
Beyond my fading arm
Maybe then and only then
Will you finally understand
the reasons that i hide myself
Under this white sweatband

current mood: creative

[ feel something...anything ]

Monday, February 20th, 2006
10:34 am - cut it

so, i wrote this in like 2 seconds, its not finished but heres what i have of it....
The feeling comes back,
And i feed the addiction,
The knife on my skin,
I need the friction.

All these scars,
They're getting ard to hide,
All these people,
They're realizing whats inside.

current mood: blank

[ feel something...anything ]

Wednesday, February 15th, 2006
11:30 pm
kionethan Change:

So much goes on,
Yet nobody notices.

They look away,
And keep walking.

I’m yelling and screaming.

Yet they pay me no mind.

Everybody’s running,
Because they know where they are going.

They’re on track,
And nothings holding them back.

Yet me,
I’m walking and lost.

Letting all the bad,
Slow me down.

But here’s my chance to let it go.
And that’s what I’m going to do.

theres more as usual:
Read more...Collapse )
thanks u!)

[ feel something...anything ]

Monday, February 6th, 2006
10:24 am - International Self-Injury Awareness Day

I don't know how many of you have heard about this, but it is very important: March 1st is International Self-Injury Awareness Day. That means SPREAD THE WORD. Misconceptions about self-injury in society are rampant. People need to be educated, especially authority figures. This means police, teachers, parents, medical workers, employers, and anyone else who can affect you in situations regarding SI.

There are a few things you can do to raise awareness.

1. Pamphlets. This is a very good way to reach people. You can put them up at school, work, in hospitals, police stations, supermarkets, libraries...the list goes on. It can really help.

2. Presentations. Organizing a forum where you can reach people face to face is a great idea. You can hold them for students, for parents, for medical workers, policement, local employers, general public...anything you like. I realize that probably no one will do something like this, but it's something to think about. It's a much more effective way of reaching people.

3. Contact your mayor, governor, MP (for Canadians), etc. Ask them to get involved. They can do things like wear ribbons (red and black), help with leaflets, etc. It's important to get community leaders involved.

4. Contact newspapers. Do a few letters to the editor, maybe write a research piece or an 'expose' so to speak. You can ask to remain anonymous, obviously, so privacy shouldn't be an issue. And hell, if you're really brave, get someone to do an interview with you.

5. Spread the word online. Send out messages on the major sites (LJ and MySpace, for instance). Go to communities, send PMs to random people, write articles, blog entries...anything. After all, communication is one of the main reasons for the internet's existence.

This is a chance for the issue to get a little bit of understanding, to shed a little light on it. Right now, this is a completely grassroots movement. Governments are not getting involved, and they need to be doing so. The only way that will happen is if March 1st becomes KNOWN to the world. And it's up to us to make sure that happens.

You don't have to do much. A pamphlet here, a ribbon there...it doesn't have to be a big campaign. But PLEASE, if you feel strongly about this issue, get involved somehow.

This will be x-posted to pretty much every SI and mental health community I can get my hands on.

current mood: busy and motivated

[ 1 word to try and feel something...anything ]

Monday, January 23rd, 2006
9:24 pm - All alone

She carries a sorrow, behind those blue eyes.
She smiles and seems happy, all the pain she hides inside.
No one will ever know how she feels, how it hurts.
Cause she can never tell them, she must never burst.
She acts like an angle, always helpful, always kind.
No one ever asks how she feels, although they see, they are blind.
She can never tell them, they would never understand.
The pressure's always present, it's so much they demand.
They say that they love her, pretend that they care.
She doubts they would notice, if she'd one day disappear.
Giving up seems so tempting, to just leave and let go.
She cries when it's dark, so that no one will know.
Surrounded by people, she should have had known.
The loneliness grabs her, she feels all alone.
Her secret she'll carry, till the day that she dies.
Deep within her own soul, she her secret still hides.

[ feel something...anything ]

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